Memoir: A Glimpse of Hell

I remain enshrouded by the white smoke. I keep pressing it to my lips as smoke continues to seep through. The euphoria consumes me day after day. The smoke spreads throughout my body entering my lungs. The heated tip lights up with every press. I enter another reality free of life’s ghastly surroundings. My mind leaves the realm of reality. This day remains the same as the last, yet on this day, the result leaves me in a frenzied state.

I blossom in the new reality like a fresh flower coming alive for the first time. The sensation of pleasure engulfs my visage. My glazed eyes are a symbol, a departure from the problematic. My vision spins before me. An urge of laughter starts to swell within. The haze obscures everything around me. Suddenly, it happens…

I feel myself losing control of my body. My limbs move forward without guidance. The people sucking in the smoke appear increasingly grotesque. The hideous countenance painted on their faces becomes something else. My vision begins to deceive me. I have to get away. I quickly leave the area behind me. Their lifeless eyes follow me everywhere. This intolerable deceit induces shaking. This world without sanction leaves me in a manic rush.

The colors in the air begin fusing together. Their fiendish faces keep gawking at me. The out of world experience keeps dragging me downward. The otherworldly forces drive me back and forth. I feel violated as the unknown forces rape me of all sanctity. I know that this cannot be just a bad trip; no, this is far worse. Whatever causes this pain replaces sanity with insanity. I can see the negativity replenishing my delirium. This surreal feeling of dread permeates my reality. Death has come for me.

My body writhes in pain. This unknown force leaves me asphyxiated. My vision continues to deceive. No hands are present. Nothing is choking me, but I feel the grip tightening around my throat. I begin to question reality itself. I wonder if I conjured up reality with my imagination. Maybe, everything I saw had been created through lies. The reality I witnessed was nothing, only a lying dream.

Finally, the realization sinks in. My personal hell remains personified by repetitive motions. The throbbing in my head pulsates across me like a lightning shock. This torturous déjà-vu keeps replaying the moment over and over. I plead for mercy. I ask somebody above to listen and save me from this hellish abyss. All I see is black at this point. The screams and screeches filling the air intensify the feeling of loss. The horrid stench of death never diminishes.

I never wished to die young. The guilt keeps spreading as I fall further into the crypt. Nothing hears my cries for help. I never wanted to be left to die in the same moment. Again and again. Everything around me spins faster and faster. The moment never pauses. I keep reliving it. I cannot escape from my hysteria. The distress settles in. A sensation of fear beyond depression and panic brings corrosion forth.

I question if the drugs are my deathbed. Maybe, the drugs are my one-way trip to an insane asylum. This nightmare without end is leaving me in decay. I rot in eternal blackness forevermore reliving it. Death keeps flowing. I know this is the end of everything I thought I knew. Still, I keep praying for forgiveness. I beg for mercy, a second chance to live life in a better way.

The throbbing concludes. I wonder if I chose life or death? I awaken from this infernal fury. The dream of unheard reality ends. The world flows freely again. My survival remains possible on the whim of a prayer. The saving grace prevents my death and washes over me like a warm shower. I finally escape the pseudo-reality with the drugs wearing off. I felt a year pass; however, reality turns a year into a couple of hours. I am unsure if I ever will be the same or if I will ever forget.

I am more thankful for my existence. I have a new perspective. I felt abandoned by all in my time of need. The grace of God awakens me. My prayer alone pulled me away from this deformed state of mind. The only force to hear my prayer came from the divine energy of the heavens. I prayed for a savior when only God would listen. No one believes until the chips are down. Finally, color consumes my world again reinvigorating my dying soul. I breathe in new life and escape the misery. A lesson learned.


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